A No BS Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

If you’re curious about BDSM but feel intimidated, overwhelmed, or unsure where to start, you’re not alone. Most people don’t avoid BDSM because they’re not interested. They avoid it because they think they have to be perfect.

Perfectly dominant. Perfectly confident. Perfectly in control at all times. That belief stops more people from exploring BDSM than anything else. This guide is here to clear that up.

BDSM isn’t about putting on a costume, memorizing scripts, or acting like a porn character. At its core, it’s about trust, communication, and intentional power dynamics– done in a way that feels safe, grounded, and genuinely exciting for both people.

If you’re new, curious, or just want a healthier, more natural way to approach dominance and kink, this guide will walk you through it.

This article was written by guest contributor Andy Wells, a dating and sexual-dynamics coach with nearly a decade of experience helping men improve their confidence, relationships, and sex lives. You can learn more about him at www.killyourinnerloser.com

What Is BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to consensual sexual dynamics involving power, control, trust, and sensation. The letters can stand for different things: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism- but in practice, BDSM looks very different from what movies or porn portray.

Real BDSM is not about pain for the sake of pain. It’s not about being aggressive, cruel, or emotionally detached. And it’s definitely not about ignoring your partner’s feelings.

At its best, BDSM is about:

• Good communication
• Increasing sexual pleasure
• Trying exciting things in the bedroom
• Playful or intentional power exchange

For beginners, it often starts very simply, sometimes with nothing more than talking openly about fantasies and trying small, low-pressure things.

The Biggest BDSM Myth That Stops Beginners

One of the most damaging myths around BDSM is the idea that you need to “stay in character.” or “be the perfect dom”

A lot of men, especially, believe they have to become a flawless Dom the moment they try anything kinky. Always confident. Always assertive. Never unsure. That mindset creates pressure, and pressure kills intimacy.

Ironically, trying to act like an expert usually leads to worse experiences. When you’re stuck in your head worrying about performance, you stop paying attention to your partner. And you stop your own enjoyment, which transfers to your partner

Great BDSM doesn’t come from pretending you know everything. It comes from not being afraid to try new things and enjoy the moment

You’re Allowed to Be New (and Bad at First)

One of the biggest breakthroughs many people have with BDSM is giving themselves permission to be inexperienced. You don’t need to be a polished Dom. You don’t need advanced techniques. You don’t need years of experience.

You’re allowed to just be like:

“I’m new to this, but I’m curious and excited to explore.”

That honesty does something powerful. It lowers pressure. It builds trust. And it often makes the experience feel lighter, safer, and more fun. Many partners actually prefer this approach, because it feels real, collaborative, and grounded instead of performative.

Learning together, experimenting slowly, and making small mistakes along the way is how real confidence is built.

How To Start With BDSM

People overcomplicate this, but it usually just starts with a conversation.

Talking about interests, curiosities, and fantasies is far more important than any technique or toy. You don’t need to overwhelm your partner with details. Simple, open-ended questions work best.

Examples:

• “Have you ever been curious about kink or power dynamics?”
• “Is there anything you’ve wanted to try but haven’t yet?”

From there, everything unfolds naturally. You talk. You listen. You notice how they respond. You move at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. Remember, strong dominance is flexible.

It looks like:

• Paying attention to body language
• Noticing when your partner leans in or pulls back
• Being willing to be vulnerable and experiment

A quick rundown on how to find girls for BDSM:

Here’s Andy’s Hinge profile, to show you how upfront you can be about BDSM:

And here’s how his conversations usually go. Remember, though, this level of directness works because his profile already sets the “BDSM frame”. So the girls who are matching with him are not caught off guard.  Also, the photo with the girl is only there for threesomes. Otherwise, its not necessary.

Important note: Two people can have a profile like this, one of them gets banned, and one has no issues. The BDSM memes are the riskiest part so use those at your own risk

 

You can see he’s not doing anything particularly amazing; he’s not “staying in character”, he’s not “playing a Dom character” – He’s literally just a regular guy asking her if she’s into BDSM (screening), and finding the women who are down to explore it.

On the date, you just talk about normal topics (hobbies, job, etc) and then at some point ask her, “So what kinky/BDSM things have you always wanted to try in the bedroom?” Then spend some time talking about what she’s into, tell her what you’re into, and then you can say

“Wanna come back to mine and we can try some of the things we’ve talked about?”

Most women say yes (because you’ve already pre-screened them by being so upfront and honest on the dating apps). In addition, when you’re this upfront on the dating apps, most girls will just meet you straight at your place (that’s the easiest)

Now, if you prefer to be a lot more subtle on the apps, then when you invite her back to your place, use a socially accepted excuse, like “splitting a bottle of wine on your romantic balcony”

Pro tip: Have some toys lying out in the open on your bedroom nightstand. The girl will get curious, which provides the perfect segue to get down to business.

Asking Questions Doesn’t Kill the Mood

Another myth beginners believe is that asking questions ruins the dynamic. In reality, the right questions enhance it.

You’re allowed to say things like:

• “How does this feel?”
• “Do you want me to keep going?”
• “Tell me what you want right now.”

These aren’t breaks in dominance, they’re part of it.

BDSM for Beginners: Simple Rules to Follow

If you’re new to BDSM, keep these guidelines in mind:

1. Consent comes first
Make sure you are not pushing past a girl’s limits and boundaries

2. Start smaller than you think
You don’t need extreme acts for an experience to feel intense.

3. Stay present
Pay attention to reactions, not just your own performance.

4. Drop the act
You don’t need to play a role, just enjoy the moment.

5. Be willing to experiment
You don’t know if you truly like something until you try it.

The Real Takeaway

I’ll say this for the zillionth time: You don’t need to be a perfect Dom. You don’t need a script. You don’t need to stay in character at all costs. It’s ok if you don’t know what you’re doing (you can practice, learn, evolve, grow – you’ll get better over time).

Great BDSM – and great sex in general – comes from presence and being in the moment, rather than being in your own head. Give yourself permission to slow down a bit, take your time, and take that damn mask off. The real power isn’t in playing a role – it’s in being someone that women feel safe exploring with.

If you want some beginner how-to guides to get you started, Andy has a list here: https://killyourinnerloser.com/bdsm-guides/ 

Go out there and have fun – it’s ok if you don’t always know what you’re doing. You’ll figure it out, with practice.