If you’re trying to improve your life with women, there are two elements to game you need to worry about: inner game and outer game. Most of our content here (and probably most of the content in general about improving with women) focuses on outer game. But in reality, inner game is just as important – if not more important – to your success.
A lot of guys who aren’t getting the success they want with women never fully improve because they only try to focus on their outer game. They don’t try to change themselves, they just try to learn new tricks, lines, and techniques to get girls to fall for them. The truth is, girls have amazing perceptions of your inner game. If you have bad inner game, girls will see right through it. So despite your best efforts to use amazing outer game, you still will never get the results you want.
This article is focused on guys who want to get the most out of their dating life. To do this, you need to get your ego out of the way, and realize that game isn’t just a skill to improve, but it requires a conscious effort to improve yourself as well. In this article, I’ll introduce the basics of inner game, including the four pillars of inner game.
Again: reading this article won’t give you better inner game overnight. But if you internalize these principles, and commit to working on them, you will truly start to see your dating life improve as well.
What is “Inner Game”?
Lets start off by defining what “inner game” really is. Inner game is the perception you have of yourself and your ability to navigate the world. It is your self esteem. Your confidence. Your attitude. It determines whether you are excited to meet girls or nervous. Whether you play to win or self sabotage. And most importantly the inner dialogue that goes on in your head. The stronger your inner game gets, the tougher your shell becomes to handle rejections or failures.
Of course, there’s a lot more to it than this. You unfortunately can’t directly improve your inner game through logic and just reading this one article. Your inner game is deep in your subconscious. However, you can improve it through conscious action and mental work. You can, with enough time and effort, literally “rewire” your brain.
The Four Pillars of Inner Game
There are four major pillars of inner game that need to focus on. In the rest of this article, I’ll walk you through each of them, and give you some advice on how to be better at each.
1. Being Purposeful
Women love a man who knows what he wants and goes for it. It signals that you’re a confident man who has balls – which is attractive to a woman. Or, from the opposite perspective: if you behave in certain ways just to get someone to like you, that is not attractive. Having an end goal with your life, day to day work or an interaction is your first step. And since you have a purpose in life, you can start to assume that girls are attracted to you, which is subtly quite powerful.
How to be Purposeful?
This is a matter of training yourself. Everyday, have an end goal in mind. It doesn’t have to do particularly with women – in fact, an attractive guy doesn’t have women as his only or even main goal in life. But, everyday you have some goals you want to accomplish. When you talk to a girl, she should easily understand that you intend to fuck her and you’re not just there to be her BFF. This is where guys get friendzoned during interactions. There needs to be that sexual polarity and “Will fuck you” eyes. To add to that, It doesn’t have to be purely sexual. It could also be you’re just trying to get her on the date and get to know her in a different setting. So, your end goal is to get her out and get her number. Having a plan of action and executing it without beating around the bush.
2. Being Grounded
Simply put! Unfazed. You need to be unfazed by anything surrounding you. When you are easily riled up, triggered, or affected by your surroundings, or what people do with you, then you are not grounded. You need to brush everything that happens with a smirk (at least a mental one). When you’re grounded, a girl is drawn towards that calming feel. One of the more powerful places to come from with women is the ability to stay grounded while she gets emotionally riled up.
How to be Grounded?
It’s a matter of exposure again. When you put yourself out there for difficult nerve wracking situations on the daily, you numb yourself of being riled up by surroundings. Something that helped me when I was out during a night game session was to focus on my breathing. That’s the first thing that changes when you’re emotionally riled up. Meditating in the environment or taking deep breaths till you calm down can help you massively.
3. Being Controlled
This is similar to being dominant. You’re very smooth and aren’t stumbling over with nervous energy. It’s almost as if you’re pacing yourself. Being calculative about what you’re doing and have a lot more awareness about yourself, the girl and the surroundings. A good example to look at it Ryan gosling in Crazy stupid love. He’s always so aware of what he wants to do and is never really making fast motions
How to be Controlled?
To train yourself to be controlled, you need to practice massively. Everyday, you need to push your comfort zone. If you have anxiety talking to strangers, start working on it with massive amounts of reference experiences to a point where anxiety is just a background noise and you’re just smooth with your words, movements when talking to a total stranger. You could always incorporate the 21-day demonic confidence challenge (google search) and follow those steps so your threshold for anxiety tolerance goes way up. Shooting yourself in the field when talking to a girl and realizing the mistakes can also help you improve because you’re aware of the mistake you subconsciously make that you can correct over time
4. Being Self-Amused
This will really help you get over harsh rejections. By being able to have a good time yourself, women and people are gravitated towards you. If you’re a blackhole that sucks out energy/fun out of a group or someone, no one is going to have a good time with you. You need to recognize your humor: What makes you laugh, what makes you feel good, etc. Communicate the same with a girl. This way, she will feel like she doesn’t have to contribute to the fun more than just being with you while you have your share of a good time
Q. How to be Self-Amused
You need to recognize your style of humor. Everyone has their own but you need to find what makes you tick. What makes you have fun? I watched a lot of American comedy shows (and I still do). When you do this, you’re going to automatically interlink some interactions with the TV show examples that will help you still have a good time even with hardships in an interaction or with your life. You can kind of view this as a way to meditate since you’re calming your nerves by laughing
Improving Your Inner Game to Become More Attractive
If you haven’t invested in your inner game, there’s no better time than the present. Women are turned off when they get the sense that a guy doesn’t have their inner game handled. In other words, you need to be purposeful, grounded, controlled, and self-amused.
As you look to improve your inner game, take stock of each of these four pillars. Which of these four pillars are you best at? Weakest at? Why are you so strong at the strength? And what are some things you can do to apply that knowledge to improving your weakness?
One common theme you guys must have noticed is that you need to expose yourself to situations. The more, the better when you’re initially starting off. And most importantly, not being afraid of failure and learning from failure. Remember! The best way to succeed in any field is by failing a bunch of times and learning from these failures. Why? It eliminates all the possible wrong ways to get good at something
Hope that helps,
Indian “Inner game” PE.