The idea for this article came from a YouTube comment. It reminded me that a lot of guys struggle with this, just like I did for a long time..
I wasn’t always successful with women. For the majority of my life I was actually pretty clueless. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. And even then it happened only with the help of massive amounts of alcohol and low standards. I still struggled for a few years after that. It wasn’t until I was 22 that I got my real girlfriend.
Why did I struggle so much?
There’s lots of reasons of course. A simple lack of knowledge and understanding of female psychology was definitely a big part of it. But, another big component was that I was afraid too be myself put myself out there. I cared what people (men and women) thought of me, much more than what is healthy… and as a result, always felt stifled
Aside from not getting laid. I also wasn’t as fun to be around back then. I wasn’t as good of a friend. I wasn’t as genuine. I simply wasn’t my real self. I was just too afraid to put myself out there and be my full self. Alcohol definitely helped and my first dozen lays happened when I was drunk, because that was the only time I could “not give a shit”
So what finally changed?
There was no big “aha” moment. It was a series of small improvements over time. Mostly, slow and boring. There were some catalysts though, I met a friend in college who was completely unfiltered. He said and did whatever the fuck he wanted. He truly didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. And as you expect, he got WAY more pussy than me and had a lot more friends.
Going out with him I saw first hand time and time again the power of not giving a shit. We went out every weekend and so my subconscious kept getting bombarded with evidence. Over and over
I also slowly came to the realization that the vast majority of people are not nearly as cool as they seem. It’s easy to think that the popular kids in your high school are a different species when you’re growing up. But, then 10 years later when you see them fat and working at Walmart you realize that they might not be as cool as you made them out to be in your mind
I slowly shifted from thinking
“I’m such a loser and most people are way cooler than me”
“I’m pretty fucking awesome and most people are actually kinda lame”
And when that happened, it became a lot easier to not give a shit. After all why would you care what a bunch of losers think? This may sound a bit bad. But, you understand what I’m getting at
6 TIPS FOR LEARNING TO BE YOURSELF & NOT GIVE A SHIT
I’m not going to get into any woo-woo stuff. That is not to say, I dismiss it. Far from it. Some of it can be extremely helpful. But, it’s not my forte and I like to keep things practical
1 – Bombard your subconscious with positive reference experiences
I fully believe that I’m a solid dude and that what other people think about me (aside from close friends and family) is 100% irrelevant. And you probably agree with me on a logical level. Unfortunately, that is not enough. You have to truly believe it on a subconscious level. That won’t happen overnight. You have to work on consciously seeking out “proof”. That is going to involve being self aware, putting yourself out there and taking “risks”. You’re going to have to fight your internal desire to “play it safe”.
Next time you see a hot girl, go up to her and say that you find her attractive and want to meet her. No pickup line. No shtick. Just put yourself out there. There was a challenge I did a long time ago that helped. It was called demonic confidence. For 21 days you had to approach women and progressively be more ballsy. Day 1 was just asking for the time. And by day 15 you were saying “hi, will you have sex with me”
Next time you are on a date and are nervous to go for the kiss or say what’s on your mind, you’re going to fight the urge and do it anyway. It may literally feel like death at first, but you are going to trust in the fact that it will get A LOT easier
Next time, you are in a situation where you want to say or do something, you’re going to do it. (Common sense applies). You’re going to stand up for yourself. And you’re going to stop bottling up your feelings and running away from confrontation
2 – Progressively conquer your fears
This very much ties into the first one, but is so important that I wanted to mention it. Think about it, why are you not fully being yourself? You know how to do it. I bet when you were a little kid, you were 100% authentic. The reason is fear. For one reason or another you are afraid of putting yourself fully out there. And you are afraid of what people will think
However, the good thing about fears is that when you face them they lose their power. And after a while almost become funny. Let’s take fear of escalation. I used to be deathly afraid of “making a move”. I’m a nice person and didn’t want to freak girls out. I was afraid of what they would think and all the negative scenarios I conjured up in my mind.
I remember one day I saw an old RSD Julien video (before he became a fake hippy) where he talked about whipping your dick out when escalating if you’re pulling a lot of girls that you’re not closing. That was me at the time and the video really resonated. But, I was so fucking afraid to do it. I remember the first time I did it was with a big titty Japanese girl I pulled from H&M… whipping it out felt like I was jumping off a cliff… But then, she got turned on
Then, i did it again and the world didn’t end. And again. And again. And eventually, I realized that it’s not a big deal. Funny enough, after a few months of doing this I realized that I was a lot less afraid to go for the kiss and also closing a noticeably higher percentage of girls
The lesson here is you have to face your fears (whatever they are). Unfortunately, there is no other way. At the time, It may feel like the worst thing ever. But, trust in the fact that it will make you a more successful & fulfilled person. And one day you will notice that the things that used to scare you, no longer do. You will actually laugh about them because they no longer have any power over you
3 – Become more jacked & rich
It’s a lot easier to not give a shit if you feel like the biggest guy in the room. And haven’t worried about money in a long time. This of course, is not going to happen overnight. It’ll likely take years. But everyday focus on improving your body and your finances just a little bit. After a while, you will start to notice a difference. People will also start to treat you differently. Dudes might ask you for advice on business or lifting. Girls will start checking you out and being more receptive when you talk to them. This positive feedback loop will further help reprogram your subconscious.
4 – Read biographies about successful people
This will also begin to shift your subconscious. One of my favorite books of all time is Total Recall by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here is a story of a man who grew up in a poor family and rose to accomplish more than most of us even think Is possible. And he did it all through hard work and believing in himself. Other great ones are: losing my virginity by Richard Branson, Steve Jobs by Isaacson and Elon Musk by Ashley Vance
5 – Hang out with other people who don’t give a shit & can express themselves
Observe, how much better girls respond to them. And just how magnetic that kind of vibe is. If it wasn’t for that friend I mentioned earlier, I might have never gotten to the point where I am now.
There is a famous saying that “you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”. I think it’s definitely true on some level. And you can take advantage of it, by surrounding yourself with the kind of people you want to become.
6 – Develop a purpose outside of just getting laid
Ironically, to maximize your ability to get girls, getting laid can’t be your main purpose. This is because if you’re too focused on picking up girls, then you will naturally have a harder time not caring what the chick thinks. And as a result be less attractive.
You need a purpose, that doesn’t involve getting laid. Something to center you. To drive you when things aren’t going well. To help you easily brush aside flakes or bad dates. This purpose should be something that drives you personally. For me, it’s PWF. Believe it or not, I have days where I get annoyed. Moments where I just want to say fuck it. And in those times, having that purpose can make a big difference